For you

To my husband on our wedding anniversary, tonight was our 13th year.  I say this as if you are still here because the memories invade my days and sleep does not give me respite.Yes it is hard and every day is painful as there are reminders in everything I do from opening a drawer, walking through the grocery store or sitting in the dentist chair. I am still expected to do these tasks the every day mundane pay the bills kind of thing.  And I do them, forcing myself  to get out of bed when all I want to do is stay under the covers, ignoring the world. But I don’t get to because I choose to stay here, to live, and with that to figure out how to be ok, how to navigate the feelings I have. I know I will be able to because of the amazing family and friends I have around me. Friends that knew you and family that loved you. So I will be ok eventually…eventually.But for now, tonight as  I stepped outside and saw the moon I knew it wasn’t for me. Just another reminder. I know I won’t always feel this, that someday I will be able to enjoy the same things that right now cause me sadness. Eventually.       Each day and moment I learn something knew about you and me. Overwhelming but I am coping.

I miss you and I love you. I wish you peace.


And then there were two

There is one woman on this planet that I know of that has more pain then myself at this moment. My mother in law, she called to check up on me to see how I am doing. I tell her I am ok and that it will take time. We touch briefly on on our loss and I ask about the weather where she lives. I promise to come see her maybe before spring. I do this to change the conversation so questions aren’t asked as I can not say to her everything I know. This would be unfair to burden her with more as she has enough to deal with,  and this is where I continue with my story and path.

The morning of October 7, after I had learned of my husbands passing, I was instantly surrounded by friends and family. I say instantly but I know there are gaps in my memory where time seemed to have stopped and then speed up. I was hearing the words but it was as if I was not the one the words were meant for. (This is shock, a bodies way of distancing itself, an emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once). The first person to arrive was my friend just before 5 am, then my son and his wife. We had to call people,  inform, let them know. Why did we have to? If we told others then it would make it real. This was my thought, just a voice inside my head, don’t let it out. But I could also hear some one saying we needed to call his mom and dad, family, friends, his work. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, it was rapid, but clear,the tone was deep and the voice meant what it was saying.

And then I knew the voice, who it belonged to, it was mine. It was me giving direction, to let it out, to be known? I don’t know why this memory is with me while others escape? I hope in time I will have the recall of all missing pieces, know the answers to why. I guess it will take time.

By 10 am of that morning I had people cleaning, looking after my dogs, making arrangements for family to soon arrive. We were trying to figure out schedules  and sleeping arrangements, who would need a hotel and who would stay with me? Then I heard my friend talking on the phone and as I looked at her face I saw fear, shock, disbelief? I wasn’t sure but my attention was drawn to her as she delivered the news.  My in laws would not be coming to be with me, to mourn and support each other through the grief and pain of losing their eldest child and son, my husband. Their youngest child and only other son had died sometime in the early morning hours of October 7th, the same day as their eldest.

As my mind was racing to make sense and the adrenaline rushed through body, I am not sure how I stayed rooted to the same spot because all I wanted to do was run.  One brother takes his own life while the other brother’s death was from natural causes. But I know that my brother in law was a brittle diabetic who wouldn’t stop drinking, slowly poisoning his body, knowing that he had been contacting my husband for a while talking about taking his own life. Over the past several months, my husband was trying to encouraging him- to keep going with what ever he made of life. We had talked about his brother and my husband shared with me that he didn’t know what to say or what to do? He felt overwhelmed with his own life. I know they continued to talk  but I do not believe my husband made his choice that day knowing of his brother’s actions.

So many lives have been affected by the devastation and loss. We are each trying to find a way to live with pain, to hopefully feel joy and maybe one day peace.

Laa, MALS wife


My Path

I have been staring at a blank page off and on for days wondering what to say. I will start with this.

If I could I would give this burden away, let someone else with more experience go through every feeling, thought, piece and memory. They then can hand it back to me after it has been analyzed, sorted, labeled and cleansed. It will be wrapped up in a pretty bow with a list of instructions on how to deal with each and every aspect, where to place everything and how to move through the process with grace.

But that’s not what I get to do, it’s all mine and I know there are no shortcuts.

I have asked myself why I want to share? Why I feel the need to not do this alone. Ultimately I am alone as we all are. We all have our own journey, path and collection of experiences. It is what you do with these experiences and the choices you make in every moment that makes us unique. Maybe by sharing you will also be able to see how I am doing and coping.

I do not know if there is light at the end of a tunnel, if there is a reward or prize when our physical bodies are done. I do not know what is after this! But I made a choice to have commitments and attachments, to explore the body and world I am in, to be present with my life and everyone around me, to ask questions, to listen and be open to new ideas that would pierce my veneer, to be challenged with different concepts and to be introduced to new feelings and views.

This is the discussion I had with my husband before he left, he wanted answers and I could only give him what I wrote above.

I will pause at this moment to give anyone reading this the opportunity to unfollow, for as I continue I understand that this may be to hard for some but I believe this will open a dialogue that I hope will be beneficial to myself and to anyone else.

My husband took his own life in the early morning hours on October 7.         He for whatever reason couldn’t live with himself, he clearly struggled with dark thoughts, his demons. I was aware of my husbands moods and isolation and suggested we get help many times. But he thought he would be labeled and refused to seek assistance.  I have read through some of your blogs and emails where my husband encouraged, and talked with some of you through hard times, he even disagreed with suicide.

I did not know my husband would take his life.  So I am in shock and pain and what makes the grief complicated and compounded is that I have 15 years of knowing him but not truly knowing him.  He lead a double life and kept it secret.

There is still more to this story and as I am able to I will share with out blame. Its just an experience.

Laa, MAL’s wife

I am ok for this moment

I received an email from one of my husbands followers asking how I was doing and that if I was up to it to let this community know.

I am ok right now, I have thought of posting but I have broken down when I tried to write. I am unsure of what to tell you?  What and how much truth you want to know?I think some of you have questions and truthfully I am ready to share if you want.

I am new to writing so forgive me as I do not have the beautiful skill and eloquence that my husband had. But I will come from the heart and more than likely the pain of grief that I am feeling.

Laa, MAL’s wife


It is with with sadness and heartbreak that I am posting this message.

My husband (known as MAL to many of you) passed away October 7, 2015.

I was unaware of his blog until after his death and have spent many hours reading his posts. I will be leaving his blog open as it is my wish to learn more about my husband from the interactions of his followers and friends.

Please feel free to share any stories or insights as they will be appreciated.

Laa, MAL’s wife

I Finally Agree With Another Atheist

[repost because it’s on my mind today]

It’s not often that I agree with another atheist. Mostly because how I think of life is not fluffy and white. It’s bleak and harsh. Julian Baggini has hit the nail on the head with this post

So I think it’s time we atheists ‘fessed up and admitted that life without God can sometimes be pretty grim. Appropriating the label “heathen” is part of this. Heathens are unredeemed outcasts from heaven who roam the planet without hope of surviving the deaths of their bodies. They may have values but they are not secured by any divine source. Yet we embrace this because we think it represents the truth. And so we don’t just get on and enjoy life, we embark on our own intellectual pilgrimages, trying to make some progress in a universe on which no meaning has been writ. The journey can be wonderful but it can also be arduous and it may end horribly. But there is no other way, and anyone who urges you to follow a path that they promise leads to a bright future is either gravely mistaken or a charlatan.

Truth is necessarily harsh. It cannot be soft-balled. I’m quite happy to see another person printing the truth. Life is, it sucks, so just be. Nobody chose to be here, we have only the choice of when to leave. Every day is a struggle. If it was easy we’d be bored. No, we’re not done. We need to get on with the program of dominating the galaxy then the universe. While we sit idle on this water world, we waste our time. The more time we waste on creator gods the less time we have to be who we truly can be.

What do you think? Who can we be? Who should we be?

The Game

This post might take some thinking, some reflective thought. I hope that it does.

We’ve all done it. Played along to get along. The game of life, all that crap you do every day so that you can rush around in some strange place for a week or two, burning through all your savings, so that you can tell everyone what a wonderful time you had while you weren’t doing all that crap you do every day.


a form of play or sport, especially a competitive one played according to rules and decided by skill, strength, or luck.
synonyms:    pastime, diversion, entertainment, amusement, distraction, divertissement, recreation, sport, activity

We don’t always realize it. Graduate from school not sure what we’re going to do and the next thing you  know you are caught up in trying to pay your bills and meet the requirements of being human. Eat, sleep, fornicate, drink, breathe… in any order that you like. Lather, rinse, repeat. Our interests distract us and we become overburdened just trying to meet the 5 requirements, the 5 necessary things that our bodies demand we do. Sure, some of us try to ignore them or do too much of one or more of them, but in the end we’ll do all 5. Our biology ensures that this will be. That’s it. The 5 requirements of mammalian life, and it appears that it applies to all forms of life that we know of.

Most of us will find that even if the 5 are satiated and no more difficult to acccomplish than opening our eyes each morning, something else is missing. Something else needs to be done. Those 5 just simply are not enough.

Not necessity, not desire – no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything – health, food, a place to live, entertainment – they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche was a fairly smart guy. What could that demon be? How are your demons today? What is true must be true for the best of us and the least of us. That demon has to be able to affect all of us, from the greatest human to the lowest worm. Thought of it yet? Think harder. Fear. Fear is the demon. Fear that we will not accomplish one of the 5 requirements now or in the future. Our biology drives us this way. It tells us to be afraid, makes us react whenever something, at its core, will stop us from doing one or more of those 5 things for too long. There it is, the five laws and the only demon we all share. Think about it for a bit. All the rest of human society and culture is based on these things, built up layer upon layer of complexity until we no longer recognize it. So many layers of complexity that we have thought ourselves more than animals for a long time, looking down upon those that do the five with much greater efficiency than ourselves.

So many are sure that the world, that life is an illusion yet you are certain that your world and your life are real. Your mind will tell you many things in your life. That inner voice, your subconscious twin. It will tell you what beauty is, what it is not and it will tell you that the limb you used to have is still there. Can you truly know that it’s missing or not if your mind tells you so stealthily? Your mind interprets all the data that it can find and tells you what the world is, what society is, and what they are not. Who are you talking to when you talk to yourself. Who answers back when you reflectively seek answers to problems in this illusion of life? Do you have a twin inside your mind?

When you tell yourself that you’ve done the best you can for today do you hear a reply? There is much to think about. Will both of you agree on what the answers are? Will you both even conclude that there are answers? If there are no answers, then what? What if the big questions have no answers? Oh, there’s that demon again. Now the argument with your twin begins in earnest. One of you dared ask “why are we here?”, “For what purpose are we here?” The wisest among us end such argument with the simple thought that it does not matter, here we are and here we will remain until someone figures out how to change that. The luckiest among us never ask the questions, they simply get on with the business of being. Once we ask our twin that kind of question all sorts of mayhem follows.

We worship ideals that we have deified, accepting the wisdom of this illusion because our ideal dictates to us what we must need do, how it is that we make sense of the world we cannot be part of. No, you are your mind and it will never touch or taste or smell the world around you. It does not have those abilities. It simply crunches data and models the world around you. Sure it has sensors but your mind will never know what a rose smells like, really know. It will never know the color of a juicy apple, never really know. All it, all that you will ever know is an approximation of what the world is like. You and your twin are trapped inside a skull. Yes, it is _your_ skull but it’s no better than any other skull. It just happens to be the one wrapped around the brain that your mind is in, that you are in.

You will never be closer to the world than some electrical signals tell you that you are. If we live in a simulation you will never know because whether it’s a simulation or just nerves bringing you sense data, your brain will interpret that data as reality. When you have a ‘reality’ the game begins. By the time you were 2 years old the game had begun. The day you were born, not so much.

It’s a game. Complex, scary, difficult. Still, it’s just a game. It’s the only game there is. Even that is complex for you can create a game within the game, play by your own rules in that part and by the other rules in other parts. The rules get complicated, layer upon layer of rules. What if you don’t want to play? What if you want to simply be? Can you step outside the game? Can you stop playing and still meet the 5 requirements? What would it be like to be outside the game?

Oh, that’s a lot of questions for you and your twin to talk about. I wonder what answers you’ll come up with? I wonder if you’ll share them here?

To help you and your twin to think about them, here’s Bill

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