There is one woman on this planet that I know of that has more pain then myself at this moment. My mother in law, she called to check up on me to see how I am doing. I tell her I am ok and that it will take time. We touch briefly on on our loss and I ask about the weather where she lives. I promise to come see her maybe before spring. I do this to change the conversation so questions aren’t asked as I can not say to her everything I know. This would be unfair to burden her with more as she has enough to deal with, and this is where I continue with my story and path.
The morning of October 7, after I had learned of my husbands passing, I was instantly surrounded by friends and family. I say instantly but I know there are gaps in my memory where time seemed to have stopped and then speed up. I was hearing the words but it was as if I was not the one the words were meant for. (This is shock, a bodies way of distancing itself, an emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once). The first person to arrive was my friend just before 5 am, then my son and his wife. We had to call people, inform, let them know. Why did we have to? If we told others then it would make it real. This was my thought, just a voice inside my head, don’t let it out. But I could also hear some one saying we needed to call his mom and dad, family, friends, his work. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, it was rapid, but clear,the tone was deep and the voice meant what it was saying.
And then I knew the voice, who it belonged to, it was mine. It was me giving direction, to let it out, to be known? I don’t know why this memory is with me while others escape? I hope in time I will have the recall of all missing pieces, know the answers to why. I guess it will take time.
By 10 am of that morning I had people cleaning, looking after my dogs, making arrangements for family to soon arrive. We were trying to figure out schedules and sleeping arrangements, who would need a hotel and who would stay with me? Then I heard my friend talking on the phone and as I looked at her face I saw fear, shock, disbelief? I wasn’t sure but my attention was drawn to her as she delivered the news. My in laws would not be coming to be with me, to mourn and support each other through the grief and pain of losing their eldest child and son, my husband. Their youngest child and only other son had died sometime in the early morning hours of October 7th, the same day as their eldest.
As my mind was racing to make sense and the adrenaline rushed through body, I am not sure how I stayed rooted to the same spot because all I wanted to do was run. One brother takes his own life while the other brother’s death was from natural causes. But I know that my brother in law was a brittle diabetic who wouldn’t stop drinking, slowly poisoning his body, knowing that he had been contacting my husband for a while talking about taking his own life. Over the past several months, my husband was trying to encouraging him- to keep going with what ever he made of life. We had talked about his brother and my husband shared with me that he didn’t know what to say or what to do? He felt overwhelmed with his own life. I know they continued to talk but I do not believe my husband made his choice that day knowing of his brother’s actions.
So many lives have been affected by the devastation and loss. We are each trying to find a way to live with pain, to hopefully feel joy and maybe one day peace.
Laa, MALS wife
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