Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

For you

To my husband on our wedding anniversary, tonight was our 13th year.  I say this as if you are still here because the memories invade my days and sleep does not give me respite.Yes it is hard and every day is painful as there are reminders in everything I do from opening a drawer, walking through the grocery store or sitting in the dentist chair. I am still expected to do these tasks the every day mundane pay the bills kind of thing.  And I do them, forcing myself  to get out of bed when all I want to do is stay under the covers, ignoring the world. But I don’t get to because I choose to stay here, to live, and with that to figure out how to be ok, how to navigate the feelings I have. I know I will be able to because of the amazing family and friends I have around me. Friends that knew you and family that loved you. So I will be ok eventually…eventually.But for now, tonight as  I stepped outside and saw the moon I knew it wasn’t for me. Just another reminder. I know I won’t always feel this, that someday I will be able to enjoy the same things that right now cause me sadness. Eventually.       Each day and moment I learn something knew about you and me. Overwhelming but I am coping.

I miss you and I love you. I wish you peace.

Laa

And then there were two

There is one woman on this planet that I know of that has more pain then myself at this moment. My mother in law, she called to check up on me to see how I am doing. I tell her I am ok and that it will take time. We touch briefly on on our loss and I ask about the weather where she lives. I promise to come see her maybe before spring. I do this to change the conversation so questions aren’t asked as I can not say to her everything I know. This would be unfair to burden her with more as she has enough to deal with,  and this is where I continue with my story and path.

The morning of October 7, after I had learned of my husbands passing, I was instantly surrounded by friends and family. I say instantly but I know there are gaps in my memory where time seemed to have stopped and then speed up. I was hearing the words but it was as if I was not the one the words were meant for. (This is shock, a bodies way of distancing itself, an emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once). The first person to arrive was my friend just before 5 am, then my son and his wife. We had to call people,  inform, let them know. Why did we have to? If we told others then it would make it real. This was my thought, just a voice inside my head, don’t let it out. But I could also hear some one saying we needed to call his mom and dad, family, friends, his work. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, it was rapid, but clear,the tone was deep and the voice meant what it was saying.

And then I knew the voice, who it belonged to, it was mine. It was me giving direction, to let it out, to be known? I don’t know why this memory is with me while others escape? I hope in time I will have the recall of all missing pieces, know the answers to why. I guess it will take time.

By 10 am of that morning I had people cleaning, looking after my dogs, making arrangements for family to soon arrive. We were trying to figure out schedules  and sleeping arrangements, who would need a hotel and who would stay with me? Then I heard my friend talking on the phone and as I looked at her face I saw fear, shock, disbelief? I wasn’t sure but my attention was drawn to her as she delivered the news.  My in laws would not be coming to be with me, to mourn and support each other through the grief and pain of losing their eldest child and son, my husband. Their youngest child and only other son had died sometime in the early morning hours of October 7th, the same day as their eldest.

As my mind was racing to make sense and the adrenaline rushed through body, I am not sure how I stayed rooted to the same spot because all I wanted to do was run.  One brother takes his own life while the other brother’s death was from natural causes. But I know that my brother in law was a brittle diabetic who wouldn’t stop drinking, slowly poisoning his body, knowing that he had been contacting my husband for a while talking about taking his own life. Over the past several months, my husband was trying to encouraging him- to keep going with what ever he made of life. We had talked about his brother and my husband shared with me that he didn’t know what to say or what to do? He felt overwhelmed with his own life. I know they continued to talk  but I do not believe my husband made his choice that day knowing of his brother’s actions.

So many lives have been affected by the devastation and loss. We are each trying to find a way to live with pain, to hopefully feel joy and maybe one day peace.

Laa, MALS wife

 

I am ok for this moment

I received an email from one of my husbands followers asking how I was doing and that if I was up to it to let this community know.

I am ok right now, I have thought of posting but I have broken down when I tried to write. I am unsure of what to tell you?  What and how much truth you want to know?I think some of you have questions and truthfully I am ready to share if you want.

I am new to writing so forgive me as I do not have the beautiful skill and eloquence that my husband had. But I will come from the heart and more than likely the pain of grief that I am feeling.

Laa, MAL’s wife

Regretfully

It is with with sadness and heartbreak that I am posting this message.

My husband (known as MAL to many of you) passed away October 7, 2015.

I was unaware of his blog until after his death and have spent many hours reading his posts. I will be leaving his blog open as it is my wish to learn more about my husband from the interactions of his followers and friends.

Please feel free to share any stories or insights as they will be appreciated.

Laa, MAL’s wife

Stop Telling me to be Respectful of Others’ Belielfs

Here are some thoughts that I can get behind. Respect is earned not demanded. You cannot legislate reason nor criminalize thought. Ideas are successful because they are true. Respect for ideas that are not true is simply Ostrich thinking.

atheist nerd girl

As an outspoken atheist I’ve come across the “be respectful of others’ beliefs” sentiment many times when expressing my thoughts. The funny thing about it is I’ve been told that sort of thing by fellow atheists on several occasions. It’s as though they feel they’re being very nice and protective of the religious group being criticized. I see where they’re coming from, because of empathy we don’t want to see others feelings get hurt because we know what hurt feelings can be like. But I must say I greatly disagree that having people censor themselves is a respectful route to take, and I don’t think it’s important to protect people from getting hurt feelings.

Whenever I’ve been told to be respectful of religious beliefs one of my immediate thoughts has been, well what about my beliefs? I don’t think telling someone they can’t share what they believe is very respectful…

View original post 481 more words

If “God” Didn’t Exist

Now this is a very good thought. The world we see looks exactly as we would expect if we _knew_ there were no gods.

food for thought

If “God” didn’t exist what would be different?

If believers thought that some deity existed according to the claims of an ancient book, and acted as though it was true, even though it really wasn’t, what should we expect to see?

If there wasn’t really a god:

  • Would some prayers appear to be positively answered, and some not?
  • Would some sick believers die and some sick believers live?
  • Could the answers to prayer rely on confirmation bias?
  • Could confirmations of a god’s will rely on confirmation bias?
  • Would people have to rationalize doctrines that didn’t make sense or agree with reality?
  • Would people need to interpret communication from other humans that claimed to speak for a god?
  • Could people misinterpret what they think god wants?
  • Would there be a lot of different groups of believers that believed different things because of interpretation?
  • Could a non-existent god’s “word” be mistranslated, misinterpreted…

View original post 86 more words

We’re focusing on the wrong police officer

We all missed this the first time around….

by Guest Blogger Tom Haswell

There’s been a lot of coverage on the McKinney pool party, from both sides. I’m generally pretty critical of police, but right now, I want to shame both sides on this one.

Why?

Because they’re all focusing on the wrong officer.

Let’s look at Officer 227, first initial E. I cannot make out last name on the footage. This is who we should be talking about.

Notice around the fifty second mark. Officer 227 calmly speaks to people on the scene, explaining why they shouldn’t “take off running” when the police arrive — no abusive language, no demeaning tone … he could be talking to a family member. He politely thanks the boys that return police property to him. He not only backs up his fellow officer who drew, but tells him “you stay here, I’ll get him” regarding the person he drew on — who…

View original post 170 more words

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 905 other followers

%d bloggers like this: