And then there were two

There is one woman on this planet that I know of that has more pain then myself at this moment. My mother in law, she called to check up on me to see how I am doing. I tell her I am ok and that it will take time. We touch briefly on on our loss and I ask about the weather where she lives. I promise to come see her maybe before spring. I do this to change the conversation so questions aren’t asked as I can not say to her everything I know. This would be unfair to burden her with more as she has enough to deal with,  and this is where I continue with my story and path.

The morning of October 7, after I had learned of my husbands passing, I was instantly surrounded by friends and family. I say instantly but I know there are gaps in my memory where time seemed to have stopped and then speed up. I was hearing the words but it was as if I was not the one the words were meant for. (This is shock, a bodies way of distancing itself, an emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once). The first person to arrive was my friend just before 5 am, then my son and his wife. We had to call people,  inform, let them know. Why did we have to? If we told others then it would make it real. This was my thought, just a voice inside my head, don’t let it out. But I could also hear some one saying we needed to call his mom and dad, family, friends, his work. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, it was rapid, but clear,the tone was deep and the voice meant what it was saying.

And then I knew the voice, who it belonged to, it was mine. It was me giving direction, to let it out, to be known? I don’t know why this memory is with me while others escape? I hope in time I will have the recall of all missing pieces, know the answers to why. I guess it will take time.

By 10 am of that morning I had people cleaning, looking after my dogs, making arrangements for family to soon arrive. We were trying to figure out schedules  and sleeping arrangements, who would need a hotel and who would stay with me? Then I heard my friend talking on the phone and as I looked at her face I saw fear, shock, disbelief? I wasn’t sure but my attention was drawn to her as she delivered the news.  My in laws would not be coming to be with me, to mourn and support each other through the grief and pain of losing their eldest child and son, my husband. Their youngest child and only other son had died sometime in the early morning hours of October 7th, the same day as their eldest.

As my mind was racing to make sense and the adrenaline rushed through body, I am not sure how I stayed rooted to the same spot because all I wanted to do was run.  One brother takes his own life while the other brother’s death was from natural causes. But I know that my brother in law was a brittle diabetic who wouldn’t stop drinking, slowly poisoning his body, knowing that he had been contacting my husband for a while talking about taking his own life. Over the past several months, my husband was trying to encouraging him- to keep going with what ever he made of life. We had talked about his brother and my husband shared with me that he didn’t know what to say or what to do? He felt overwhelmed with his own life. I know they continued to talk  but I do not believe my husband made his choice that day knowing of his brother’s actions.

So many lives have been affected by the devastation and loss. We are each trying to find a way to live with pain, to hopefully feel joy and maybe one day peace.

Laa, MALS wife


  1. You don’t know me, and I doubt we will ever meet, but I am sending you all the love I can. My heart hurts with you and for you. I know that words don’t mean a lot right now, but know there are strangers in this world that hope and pray you will find that joy and peace. BIG HUGS, my Dear, Dear Lady.
    Miss Amelia

  2. Sometimes all you can do is hold on. I’m so sorry for your pain. Please keep posting about your experience as long as it helps you. I don’t know what to say except please know that you need not feel alone.

  3. Many big hugs Laa.

  4. I read this and it broke my heart. I am sorry for your and your extended families loss. There are no words, just shock. If I could I’d hug and spend time with you so you would not walk this journey alone. Again I am so sorry.

  5. I don’t really have any words that make sense, but I wish you as much peace, space to grieve and heal, and friends and loved ones to help you as you can get. I’m sorry for you and what you’re going through. 😦

  6. Hang in there Laa. Hang in there. We will be here for you as long as you need us.

  7. Laa, I echo what Shelldigger said — we will be here for you as long as you need us.

  8. Your husband sought Truth honorably; he refused the comfort of believing anything solely for the sake of comfort. I pray that he finds the Truth he was looking for, along with far more. I also pray that you and your family will find the peace and the joy that you seek.

    • Scottie
    • December 19th, 2015

    Laa, you are a profoundly understanding and grand person. In the mist of your own grief you felt the hurt and understood the needs of others. You did your in-laws a blessing that will stay in their hearts for a long time, because in your hurt, they still had faith in your handling things. I am glad to hear more strength in your voice. I echo those above and say I will stay with the blog as long as you need me. I know it means little in this time of such hurt for you, but we are thinking of you and I send my best wishes. Warmest hugs

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