My Path

I have been staring at a blank page off and on for days wondering what to say. I will start with this.

If I could I would give this burden away, let someone else with more experience go through every feeling, thought, piece and memory. They then can hand it back to me after it has been analyzed, sorted, labeled and cleansed. It will be wrapped up in a pretty bow with a list of instructions on how to deal with each and every aspect, where to place everything and how to move through the process with grace.

But that’s not what I get to do, it’s all mine and I know there are no shortcuts.

I have asked myself why I want to share? Why I feel the need to not do this alone. Ultimately I am alone as we all are. We all have our own journey, path and collection of experiences. It is what you do with these experiences and the choices you make in every moment that makes us unique. Maybe by sharing you will also be able to see how I am doing and coping.

I do not know if there is light at the end of a tunnel, if there is a reward or prize when our physical bodies are done. I do not know what is after this! But I made a choice to have commitments and attachments, to explore the body and world I am in, to be present with my life and everyone around me, to ask questions, to listen and be open to new ideas that would pierce my veneer, to be challenged with different concepts and to be introduced to new feelings and views.

This is the discussion I had with my husband before he left, he wanted answers and I could only give him what I wrote above.

I will pause at this moment to give anyone reading this the opportunity to unfollow, for as I continue I understand that this may be to hard for some but I believe this will open a dialogue that I hope will be beneficial to myself and to anyone else.

My husband took his own life in the early morning hours on October 7.         He for whatever reason couldn’t live with himself, he clearly struggled with dark thoughts, his demons. I was aware of my husbands moods and isolation and suggested we get help many times. But he thought he would be labeled and refused to seek assistance.  I have read through some of your blogs and emails where my husband encouraged, and talked with some of you through hard times, he even disagreed with suicide.

I did not know my husband would take his life.  So I am in shock and pain and what makes the grief complicated and compounded is that I have 15 years of knowing him but not truly knowing him.  He lead a double life and kept it secret.

There is still more to this story and as I am able to I will share with out blame. Its just an experience.

Laa, MAL’s wife

  1. I really have nothing of worth to say, nothing to add, except to thank you, and let you know I’ve read this with great interest, and terrible sorrow.

  2. My Brother in law took his life almost 2 years ago now. What I have realized is that while his pain is over, it didn’t end. He just transfered it to those left behind. I am so sorry that you now carry that pain for him. You will travel through all the stages of grief. it’s a voyage that is miserable but you will find peace at the end. The pain never truly goes away, you just find a comfortable place for it to live.
    Please keep using this as a place to release your pain and confusion. You are a beautiful writer and I know this community has helped me through more than one tragedy too. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you, no matter your or his beliefs. 💗

  3. Thank you for sharing. I am saddened to hear this and please, write when you can if it helps ease your pain.

    • Violet
    • December 9th, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing what happened to your husband. I am terribly, terribly saddened to hear of MAL’s suicide…yet it is at least some comfort to me knowing what happened, rather than letting my imagination run wild with what-ifs. What a tragic loss for all who have known his great mind and his compassion. He never gave any indication of being depressed or struggling when we commented back and forth on my deconversion blog (which is now closed). He helped me through some very dark and humiliating experiences when I first deconverted, and I credit him as being one of several online people who made it possible for me to go on. It makes my heart bleed that while he helped others here, he did not seek support from us for his own pain. For myself, I would have been happen to give him some.

    Laa, I hope you’re able to release some of your burden through writing…it can be a way to cope with pain and might help ease some of your deep grief. Not everyone likes to talk about tragedies, but I would encourage you not to be silent. Grief, especially due to a suicide, has a way of clouding your thinking and staining everything black. Whether you continue to write here, or start your own blog maybe, or see a counselor for face-to face support, I hope you can begin to find some healing and peace. It will take awhile before you come close to feeling like normal again, so be gentle with yourself as you walk down this road.

  4. Damn. I am very saddened at your loss.

    Let me begin with this. You are a survivor. A survivor of suicide, as am I. My first wife used my 12 guage to end her life behind a locked door. There are no good reasons, no good excuses, only the reality you have to face. I have many years between me and my personal loss, all I can say in all honesty is time is your ally. I cannot write this without having a moment now after all of these years. I share your pain.

    I have heard of suicide survivor groups out there, I live out in the boondocks where no such opportunities exist. If you can I’d urge you to speak with others who have endured the same loss. It is a difficult one to face alone.

    If you have any questions you would like to ask me, I will do my best to answer as best I can.

  5. I am so sorry. Suicide is a cancer of the heart, spirit and mind. At the age of 29 I pulled my 83 year old angel of a Grandmother from the river she walked into to die. It was traumatic. My Grama was murdered by her own hands.
    Nothing will make sense. You are now two people – the woman before and the woman after. You are now part of the suicide survivor club. It’s unique and painful and confusing and at times, it can be a source of strength. Follow your grief ….. We are here for you. xo

  6. Laa, thank you for sharing this with us. There is nothing to say to make your sorrow light. But if it is any consolation, know that I feel your pain. Big hugs

  7. Laa, in the language called Afrikaans or Dutch, which is widely spoken in my country South Africa, suicide is referred to as “Selfmoord” and if one translates that directly one gets two words “Self Murder”
    One who commits suicide must have a sort of desperation which drives him or her to murder him or herself. this a person must take into account when one wonders why a person does what they do.
    MAL was a true friend of mine but even as a true friend I was unable to see the warning signs that I should have seen.
    My heart and thoughts are with you.


    • secularscarlet
    • December 10th, 2015

    So saddened by this news…. Thank you so much for sharing…

  8. So very sorry for your loss and the pain I know you must be in right now. Thank you for letting us know and reaching out. MAL will be greatly missed here.

    I hope you keep writing to us if it helps.

    • frankiebird
    • December 10th, 2015

    I am so sorry for your loss!! I have no words but you are in my thoughts! My nephew did the same and we are still rocked by it! I hope you share the rest of your story if you are able, it will help! Fx💋💟😇

    • Scottie
    • December 12th, 2015

    Hello Laa. I grieve with you. I don’t really have any words of wisdom here, and I do not really understand the weight of the burden you know struggle with. I can only say that while writing about my pain, my troubles is hard for me as it means I have to deal with it, however it does seem to help to get it out of my system, to share it. I have noticed that so many people here care, and are sympathetic. As I was recently told, write only what you are comfortable with when you can handle it. I like to think of life like a nice path through nature. Some people pass us as they walk at a different speed, and some we over take, some are running, some walking, some shuffling, each are different and progressing at their own pace as they develop in life. As we meet people and walk near them we interact with them, and some times they leave us behind and some times we leave them. If we are lucky we get to walk beside them for quite a while. I congratulate you on the time you walked together with Mal, and I am sorry you don’t have him to walk with now, but you do have us to walk with, for a while , and as long as you wish. I do so wish I had something better for you, but I think you are a very strong loving person. Best wishes. Hugs

  9. I don’t know the words to tell you. I feared when you cautioned to only keep reading if we were prepared, that what I was about to read, would be hard. It was hard, so very hard to know that he took his life. But something in me feared that this is the way he left this world. This makes me so very sad for you and wish I knew the words to comfort you. I can’t explain in this space right now what MAL meant to me as I am sure to many on here, but, he was good, and I always tried to guide in the right path. Your questions must be many. I hope you find the answers you need. Just know the friends your husband made on here will be here for you, as much or as little as you need.

  10. Laa, my heart aches for you. I have been where you are. When a loved one dies from suicide, the stages of grief are long, but especially the last stage: acceptance.

    I think what you are doing here, opening up and writing about it, is brave, and may be very beneficial in the healing process. I don’t think we ever get over suicide, even when we gain a better understanding about the fragile brain. I do find that I am more at peace having spent many years doing independent research to find answers.

    We are strangers, but I feel a kindred spirit with you. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need to reach out privately to someone who understands your grief from personal experience. I learned that most people (in my offline world) are uncomfortable when it comes to the subject of suicide, and especially distant when you need to talk about it.



  11. Any time a loved one is lost, whether through death from disease, or accident or suicide, it is painful to the point that we can barely describe it. I feel for your loss and I will be praying for you to have strength in the coming days and weeks.

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