I have been staring at a blank page off and on for days wondering what to say. I will start with this.
If I could I would give this burden away, let someone else with more experience go through every feeling, thought, piece and memory. They then can hand it back to me after it has been analyzed, sorted, labeled and cleansed. It will be wrapped up in a pretty bow with a list of instructions on how to deal with each and every aspect, where to place everything and how to move through the process with grace.
But that’s not what I get to do, it’s all mine and I know there are no shortcuts.
I have asked myself why I want to share? Why I feel the need to not do this alone. Ultimately I am alone as we all are. We all have our own journey, path and collection of experiences. It is what you do with these experiences and the choices you make in every moment that makes us unique. Maybe by sharing you will also be able to see how I am doing and coping.
I do not know if there is light at the end of a tunnel, if there is a reward or prize when our physical bodies are done. I do not know what is after this! But I made a choice to have commitments and attachments, to explore the body and world I am in, to be present with my life and everyone around me, to ask questions, to listen and be open to new ideas that would pierce my veneer, to be challenged with different concepts and to be introduced to new feelings and views.
This is the discussion I had with my husband before he left, he wanted answers and I could only give him what I wrote above.
I will pause at this moment to give anyone reading this the opportunity to unfollow, for as I continue I understand that this may be to hard for some but I believe this will open a dialogue that I hope will be beneficial to myself and to anyone else.
My husband took his own life in the early morning hours on October 7. He for whatever reason couldn’t live with himself, he clearly struggled with dark thoughts, his demons. I was aware of my husbands moods and isolation and suggested we get help many times. But he thought he would be labeled and refused to seek assistance. I have read through some of your blogs and emails where my husband encouraged, and talked with some of you through hard times, he even disagreed with suicide.
I did not know my husband would take his life. So I am in shock and pain and what makes the grief complicated and compounded is that I have 15 years of knowing him but not truly knowing him. He lead a double life and kept it secret.
There is still more to this story and as I am able to I will share with out blame. Its just an experience.
Laa, MAL’s wife