For you

To my husband on our wedding anniversary, tonight was our 13th year.  I say this as if you are still here because the memories invade my days and sleep does not give me respite.Yes it is hard and every day is painful as there are reminders in everything I do from opening a drawer, walking through the grocery store or sitting in the dentist chair. I am still expected to do these tasks the every day mundane pay the bills kind of thing.  And I do them, forcing myself  to get out of bed when all I want to do is stay under the covers, ignoring the world. But I don’t get to because I choose to stay here, to live, and with that to figure out how to be ok, how to navigate the feelings I have. I know I will be able to because of the amazing family and friends I have around me. Friends that knew you and family that loved you. So I will be ok eventually…eventually.But for now, tonight as  I stepped outside and saw the moon I knew it wasn’t for me. Just another reminder. I know I won’t always feel this, that someday I will be able to enjoy the same things that right now cause me sadness. Eventually.       Each day and moment I learn something knew about you and me. Overwhelming but I am coping.

I miss you and I love you. I wish you peace.


  1. Thoughts are with you today and always, Laa.

  2. My heart and prayers are with you today. Hang in there, you will eventually find a comfortable place for the pain to live.

  3. Thinking of you.

  4. I wish you equally find peace :).

    • Violet
    • December 25th, 2015

    The moon *is* for you, Laa; it is for all of us who are alive to see and enjoy a light in the night sky. It is important to enjoy the beauty of nature and the world around us, wherever we can find it. You will be able to find beauty again, but you must hang on until the storm of grief passes (and it never passes as quickly as we hope). I am much encouraged that you are surrounded by helpful friends and family. Love to you.

  5. If you live near the D.C. area I would be happy to help and walk with you through this time. My heartfelt condolences…

    • Scottie
    • December 25th, 2015

    Laa, I am impressed. To still have such love to give hopes and wishes for one who left you in grief, you are a wonderful person. You did not turn to hate or despair, but you focused on the good and as much positive in your husband’s life as you could. Please keep remembering the good in both of you, in him, and in the time you had together. Some times those we love are taken from us, and we have no control over that. To remember the best of the time we spent with them is far greater than letting in anger and hate. With each positive statement , with each positive thing you remember from your time together , you honor him and make that bond you shared even stronger. This is a horribly hard time and no one has the power to remove the weight of it from you, however with each great memory , with each wonderful thought of the best Scott was, you do make it better, you lift that weight yourself. You drive back the darkness of hurt, and you bring in the light of what he was to you. I wish you the best , I send my love, my hopes, my energy, and I want you to know that as long as you keep the best parts of him alive in your memory, he will still shine. Be as well as possible and know I care. Hugs

    • Scottie
    • January 2nd, 2016

    I keep checking and I know it is a busy time, but are you OK? You are important. Sometimes when a spouse dies people talk only about the one gone, they forget the horrible ordeal of the one still here. I have not forgotten. I wish you the very very best this new year. Hugs and much love.

  6. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    Sending love, strength, and prayers your way. I wish you the very best as always. -OM
    Note: Comments closed.

  7. Ahh! I followed this trail from Harsh Reality and I feel such pain reading this beautiful message. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are holding it all together and the horrible emotional upheaval. My heart goes to you and I really wish you abundant grace and strength to carry on.

  8. So sad. I feel for you, truly. I can’t imagine going on without my wife, if something were to happen to her. But, I know life goes on, whether we want it to or not. Be well, and I wish peace for you in those moments when peace seems so impossible.

  9. Reblogged this on 2l2phant.

  10. @>}–>–>>—————–

  11. This is so beautiful- not your pain, but how you are sharing it. That is so brave! Bless you so much sweet soul. I have had two very deep losses myself, if you need anything please know I am a click away. I don’t have answers tho, I wish I did. My daughter passed 7 years ago and I still can’t bear it. I write it out like a temporary bandaid, albeit a very small one. I am reaching through with all the soul hugs and soul love I’ve got, right to you. You are very precious. I know the pain is incredible and I am so so sorry you have to feel it. ❤️

  12. Souldiergirl, I can only imagine your pain. My family has experienced the loss of a child and it is horrific just to see what they went through and still live with. I am grateful every day that my children are safe and well.
    To everyone who has posted your thoughts, prayers and well wishes, re blogged and liked my posts, they do mean something and it does help me. I plan on continuing to write on here just not sure in what context. This is all new for me and I am trying to figure out what and how to:) Thank you everyone for caring.

    • Take your time. The blogosphere isn’t going anywhere and personal healing is more important.

  13. Reblogged this on CELONA'S BLOG and commented:
    The point where I envy the dead and gone..
    Such love 😉

    Thanks for sharing your lovely thought with us..
    Just followed you

  14. Wish you peace and strength during your journeys…. he is always with you and we are all here for you too

  15. This is beautiful, thank you for sharing it.

  16. I haven’t been on WordPress in 6 months, but something made me think to check your page. I am heartbroken to hear this. You are a passionate, emotionally-intelligent woman, and I know that makes the pain sting even deeper.

    Know that you are on the way to healing by choosing light instead of anger. Your husband suffered from a disease. He did not abandon you; the disease overtook him. Just like cancer or pneumonia, but his was a sickness of the mind and spirit. Depression starts to call the shots after awhile. Some would say he had a choice, but I would bet to him it didn’t feel like a choice at all.

    Keep trudging through the darkness. I heard someone say once that the quickest way to the sunrise is by walking away from the setting sun, towards the blackness. You must dig out the shrapnel before the wound can heal properly.

    Tend for your heart. Do one thing that you love every day, be it coffee with a friend or simply looking out the window at the clouds. Your heart is precious and delicate– do not let the world cause you to forget it.

    Sending love your way. ❤

  17. Hope you are feeling a little better?

    • Scottie
    • June 6th, 2016

    Hello Laa. Are you doing OK? We have not heard from you and yes I care, I worry. Hugs

    • I think many of us worry as well. It is great you checked in on her. I love seeing things like that.

    • I am ok just taking my time to figure things out. Thank you for your concerns.

        • Scottie
        • June 15th, 2016

        Best wishes. If you need to talk, or just a shoulder to vent or cry one, let me know. many hugs

    • Violet
    • June 21st, 2016

    Thinking of you Laa, and hoping you are managing life as well as can be expected. I still think of MAL and how he helped me during a time of tremendous upheaval, and feel the sting of not being able to help him in return. Yet this is the nature of the universe; sometimes we give, sometimes we receive, and sometimes things/people are taken from us. One must learn to roll with it all…and it’s no small thing to master. ❤

    • Violet
    • October 6th, 2016

    Still thinking of you, Laa…

    • Scottie
    • October 6th, 2016

    I am always here if you need me. Hugs

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