I Don’t Know What Love Is …

In the last few days I’ve found myself thinking about or talking about love several times. One comment made should be a post.

For all I’ve done and seen and experienced, I do not know how to reconcile my thoughts against what the world professes as the meaning of love. If you asked 100 people you will probably get 114 answers. To me, love is the stuff that happens when you’re keeping a commitment to another person.



The commitment does not have to be marriage and the other person does not have to be your lover or spouse. Certainly you can make such commitments without love so it is not the commitment that is love, but I think it might be described as the ransom and tribute given to the other party as promissory note or collateral. It is not this act or that act as many people describe ‘true love’ is to me the act of giving deeply personal collateral for the loan of honesty from another being. In this way, I think the description also applies to dogs. How the repayment is arranged depends on the other particulars of the relationship… it’s not something that a person can only do with one other being. I don’t know what love is but I understand the collateral and commitment to repayment involved to create it.

Gods that do not reveal themselves cannot make a commitment and they cannot love us.

The supposed ‘almighty creator god’ cannot even do what a dog can do.


Does this make sense? What does love mean to you?

    • Thank you for commenting.
      You wrote “Love is becoming vulnerable to someone, and asking them for their vulnerability in return. It is when you care for another so much that you approach them, naked of armor, and ask for acceptance as you are.”

      That is the agreement/commitment that I wrote of. You also wrote that we should not seek love to complete us – for that is an unfair arrangement, the ransom is not equitable for one partner.

      • Indeed. People often say that the holder of their affections is their “missing half”. To me, this is unfair to the other person…if you are not whole by yourself, is it really fair to ask someone else to complete you? I think not.

        I myself remained a virgin til I was 22, partially because of the damage the abuse had done, yes…But also because there was no way I could consciously give my incompleteness to another in hopes they would make me a full person again.

        • That seems like thinking beyond one of just 22 years. Very well thought out

          • Thank you. I know it doesn’t mean anything to yourself, but my grandmother always said I had an “old soul”. She claimed that was why I was an observant child, and why I could read well by age 5. She was Jewish though, so I don’t know what the saying truly meant to her…

            • LOLOLOLOLOLOL That’s hilarious. Old people get to say what they want, after you get enough birthday cards, this right is granted!

  1. Reblogged this on Gogwit's Blog and commented:
    I see love as being a one way act of giving. Love can exist without reciprocation, may remain unrequited for a short time, a long time or forever. As soon as the notion of ‘quid pro quo’ emerges it becomes a relationship – a state of transaction, a bargaining, an agreement but no longer a matter of pure giving. Relationships may exist based on mutual giving of love but my guess would be these are rarer than those based on more pragmatic currency – perhaps what you describe as collateral and commitment to repay?
    I must stress that this is my personal view, most probably ineloquently put, since I also am trying to make sense of what love is and what it means. Thanks for this thought-provoking post.

  2. If I have to think about it that hard, then you ain’t the one for me. It is or it’s not. Its going to be someone i cant live without.

    • The amazing thing about our brains is that they can do the math faster than you can realize you’ve made a decision… they are always doing the math and when the formula balances out in a way you find favorable, you just know it

      • But its my heart that tells my brain that tells my body. That’s why we cant have feelings for everyone.’

        • Your brain works so fast that it creates illusions that it is your heart doing the deciding. For instance, when there is a breakup, it makes your heart ache but your heart did not ache before your brain heard the news.

  3. Is there only one kind of love just many different avenues of experiencing it? Or are there several types of love? And what of love that expects no repayment? Or the love for inanimate objects or ideals?

    Sorry I know the last question or two may stray a bit from the focus of the post but these were just some questions that popped up into my head upon reading.

    And regarding the comment just above…our brains can get overloaded with math and data processing, and our hearts can easily be swayed by emotion in the moment or even by regurgitating strong feelings from the past that may not be applicable any longer. Perhaps love has more to do with our gut feeling..? (a term which i realize is open to interpretation)

    And maybe the commitment aspect that is understood is mixed with the aspect that is not understood, which could be God or gods. I’m not trying to sway opinions simply stating the angle in the post where mine fits in.

    Thought provoking stuff as usual!

    • Little Lord David,
      Thank you for your comment. I was hoping for this.
      There is one mechanics of love and many ways/conditions to apply it. When you work out the values of the equation for inanimate objects, non-humans, and unrequited love the return on investment is adjudged to be positive for the person ‘in love’ … that is the key. Positive ROI on the equation. Your question did not stray at all and in fact is right on target. All forms of love should work or my math is wrong.

      What you describe as overwhelmed and swayed by emotion is exactly what happens in the calculations your brain does. Emotions are feed back to the simulator to give weighting to certain values in the calculation. Gut feelings are the things/inputs from your subconscious mind. These inputs are very important and how we evaluate them is a consideration of marketing and sales and con-men.

      Gods and religion do play part for those that believe and these are values based on subjective rules/ethics which play a part in the calculation. For yourself, a god fearing woman might be seen or intuited as more fitting or valuable than one who is not so your calculation on love matters regarding such a woman would be to return a bigger ROI in the calculation for love where the contract is made with a god fearing woman.

      That sounds cold and calculating, but look at the people that build lists of what they want in a partner… they are doing exactly what everyone else does but they put it down on paper. When you decide that a brown haired girl of smaller stature is right for you, you have decided some of the variables in the love calculation ahead of actually having to do the calculation because you ‘know’ this is a bigger ROI for yourself. Think also of dog lovers who only love certain breeds of dogs… how does that happen?

      The same is true for ideas or inanimate objects… the ROI is purely subjective and depends on your previous experience and knowledge. Love is the result of a favorable commitment exchange where favorable is purely subjective and from the point of view of the beholder. While two people might be ‘in love’ the value of the contract is different for both of them, the ROI is different. Even the goals of the ROI can be different which can lead to contractual issues later on. This works for both friends and lovers and animals and inanimate objects… all types of love as we know them.

      Love _is_ subjective. period. Our brains are just big simulators and calculators. It follows that a calculation is done on the ROI of a love arrangement. The ROI can change over time and this is supported by a 50% divorce rate for all world views.

  4. I don’t know what love is. This happens all the time I have thought about the matter deeply.
    And I think, whatever it is, gods have no part in it.

  5. “I think one of the best things about D/s for us, is that we’ve been able to communicate and learn what we both need and to strive to meet these needs that were not being met before. It makes me hopeful and optimistic in a way I haven’t ever been – in a way that seems real and attainable, and not just wishful thinking.”

    I agree very much with Tarnished’s thoughts. We loved before, very deeply, but we both had barriers and walls we’d not had the courage to remove or break away. There was a certain amount of respect or tolerance for that, knowing there were things we were both working on or striving for. We’d accepted that they might remain, until one day we simply decided they wouldn’t.

    We’ve grown a love that we’d not even realized was possible simply in the willingness to be honest and vulnerable and to be protective and nurturing of the others’ bared self. In the willingness to meet one another’s needs, but more importantly exposing and communicating those needs.

    Love can be a journey.

    • Indeed, relationships can be a journey. Thank you for your thoughts. I think that the kind of openness that you are speaking of is terribly freeing – removing external and unnecessary expectations and boundaries… leaving just your own to deal with. This is much more amicable and provides a much bigger return on investment. Congratulations on making better of a good thing.

  1. April 13th, 2014

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