Dear Santa …

I get email!

I’m not certain how long ago this communication transpired, but little Timmy has probably grown up now and if irony is doing it’s part he’s answer ‘dear Santa’ letters at a mall somewhere.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would
like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are
all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little
worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa
wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I
think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by
you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn
this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that
a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal
action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my
attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister
Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only
improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of
the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting
to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into
this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and
we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game
console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I
WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the
world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger
wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re
awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have
at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world
and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d
throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s
basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still
stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it
dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

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  1. Now that one made me laugh!

  2. Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee

    robin claire

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