Hell Is Real…

It’s called Alzheimer’s Disease.

Recently I found a blogger that thinks the mind creates the brain. That person is an idiot. Watching a vivid character and mind waste to nothing is the most disheartening thing I can possibly think of. I can’t imagine the hell of not being able to remember 5 minutes ago. My mother is becoming like many animals… living only in this moment but able to remember her college GPA to three decimal places. She can’t remember what she ate last night but she can remember long term stuff like the back of her hand. It’s a torture that I can see taking its toll on her and soon on the family. If prayer would work I would pray for her. It gives me physical pain to see that beautiful woman and mind reduced to such confusion and pain. Hell is real. It is the loss of your mind.

When she faces her god, she won’t remember if she has sinned and can’t repent of them if she did. If this is a god’s perfect plan I want to beat that god to death with a hammer. This was his plan? Torture her here and then condemn her after? I really want some believer to explain their god to me now. I want to know why their god wants me to feel such pain. I want to know why their god wants to torture my mother and my family. I want an explanation or for religion to shut the fuck up. Religion has no explanation and this just happens. It is part of life and if fucking sucks. I cry for the woman who does not know what my tears are for. Tell me you religious believers, what are my tears for? What is my family’s suffering for? What part of god’s perfect plan does this support? I’m listening…

  1. I don’t know what to say really, saying she will be well sounds empty even from where I sit.

    • No, it is life. This is how it happens. There is no comfort in it, there is no peace or closure. We are, then we are not. It is painful. That you spoe at all is enough.

      • But I liked the first paragraph about the idiot!

        • LOL, they are an idiot…

  2. Sorry to hear about your mom. I’m in my late fifties now and age is definitely affecting my cognition. The great ability to focus that I once had is steadily fading. Now I can only concentrate on difficult mental problems for a much shorter period of time. It’s reducing my writing productivity.

    • I am angry at the universe tonight… thank you for your kind words

    • FiFiBuBu
    • April 9th, 2014

    Sorry to hear about your mom. Alzheimer sucks and it’s one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

    • thank you. I’m having some issues dealing with it.. I will be okay, but life sucks sometimes

  3. I relate. My grandmother has had it for some time now and is well past the declining stages… all the best. It is not easy. -OM

    • My mother’s mother died with it… sigh, I’m angry

      • That is understandable, the anger part.

        • I don’t know wht to do with the anger

          • When you figure it out let me know. I have anger issues, probably the worse person to ask lol… :)

            • Well, if they let me write from jail……

  4. Once again I will say to you that my heart and yes my prayers do go out to you and your mom.
    I too have experienced the disease 1st hand as I watch my father “disappear” before my eyes.

    As a preacher in a large church I see this kind of misery every day and also as a man of God I sometimes wonder as you are, why such things are allowed to happen to the undeserving person.

    Nobody knows or understands what God’s perfect plan is and yes I do see your anger, if the hammer had been at hand when I went through what you are going through, I guess I would also have wanted to use it.

    Just one small comfort is that I am pretty sure that should your mom sin and not remember her sin, God would never hold her accountable or condemn her to hell because she cannot repent due to her lack of knowledge of the sin. He is not that mean, whatever you may think at this point in time.

    I have told you of my personal experiences in the past so I know for sure that God is there.

    What His plan is – your guess is as good as mine….

    Also remember that He fights a constant battle with one who used to be his most powerful and trusted angel, perhaps illness is the Lucifer’s doing??

    I am not saying that this is a fact, I am just putting it out there.

    POTW

    • Preacher,
      Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

      I am angry, not at any god, though he makes a really easy target. I am angry because I cannot do anything to change the situation. I’d sell my soul (if I had one) to alleviate her suffering and torment. Apparently ebay won’t allow you to list them anymore.Even if my name was Soros I could do nothing. The indifferent and harsh reality of the material world will do as it pleases. She was marked for this at birth. I may be as well.

      Like the sunrise and sunset I must accustom myself to this new fact of life.

      I do appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

  5. On the one hand, it’s a terrible insidious disease that destroys the brain incrementally one day at a time but where the rest of the body is like the Everyready Bunny. On the other hand it is compelling evidence against dualism, namely, evidence that the mind is what the brain does. My mom is like yours… going on twelve years now and counting with no funeral to mark the end of who and what she was. And it’s been ‘designed’ this way for what purpose? Yeah, right.

    Sometimes life just sucks… not because of any metaphysical mumbo jumbo about square pegs of purpose and round holes of reality but because Nature in all its glory is simply indifferent to us and our suffering… a good reminder that only we make of it what we can only after we accept it for what it honestly is.

    • I do feel exactly this way. It is overwhelming to experience this. She is so vibrant and able, it feels like her/she is being stolen from the world. There is no justification or explanation. I know it is no different than cancer in this way and we must all die. That knowledge does not make it easier. It is painful to see her doubtful and confused. We can’t even ease her pains, we just have to watch knowing that whatever pain we feel she cannot escape it even for a minute.

      Evolution developed a body and brain that carries on as best it can no matter what the damage is. This is what my mother’s body and brain are doing… surviving, or trying to.An amazing thing in its own right but in this case, very painful to watch.

      I have to figure out how to suffer this while trying to make her moments, however many there are, enjoyable as much as I can. Where in all of this is the remnants of her dignity?

      It is a difficult situation that I will have to figure out how to deal with. Life sucks. Not just for me, but many other people. We like to pretend that all is good and we are happy. I don’t see it that way. Thank you for your thoughts

  6. I watched my grand-dad suffer from dementia. For a while he was in the present and then he was not. The more it overtook him the further into the past he retreated. We would talk about the people he saw that I did not. He would “string fence” and I would help. He wanted to dance and I danced with him. He had no idea I was his granddaughter.

    My dad hated this and always said there were worse things than dying. He was right. He didn’t live to see the worst of his father’s dementia, having died when I was twelve and he was thirty-six.

    I’m so very sorry you are suffering this.

    • Thank you for your kind words and shared thoughts. I’m still struggling to deal with this. It was made more real recently. Life sucks and I will figure it out, it’s just not fun.

  7. Debilis is a mindless robot who can only produce God of the Gaps arguments. That’s it. He can’t think a single foot beyond identifying a hole. Or at least he never puts it in a post.

    • I’m sure that in some circles (small ones) it makes him look clever.

      • I’m loving your exchange with him. He really doesn’t know what to do with you. It’s a beautiful thing.

        • My goal is to get him to admit he is trolling or that he was unaware that you could do science without a lab coat and a bunsen burner.

  8. Sorry to hear this. It’s a cruel thing. Hang in there.

    • I’ll get a grip on dealing with it, just got overwhelmed… and thank you for your kind words

  9. My wife is an LPN, and has worked in a total care facility or two (nursing home) What dementia or any other mind wasting condition does to a person, who was once cognitive is surely hell on earth.

    Having seen what can happen, I feel your pain. Being a godless heathen I offer not useless prayers, but offer my sincerest empathies.

  10. Now that I think about it, my empathy is about as useless. Still…

  11. What can I tell you that will make you feel better? I fear very little. Unfortunately, the disease sucks, you slowly see the person you know slip before your eyes. I cared for my grandmother in her beginning stages for 4 years, day and night, I made it my priority. I had her move in with me and she became like my 4th child. Unfortunately, she also had suffered a stroke that made her unable to physically care for herself, which made things a bit more difficult for me. But, I tried with all I had and still do to make her life as easy as possible. And really that is all that we can do. You will have days of anger and frustration, and that is OK. It’s part of your process to deal with what life has handed both of you. Find comfort in being there for her. In making her smile, even she is not really here(mentally) at the moment. I know that helps me at times.I know nothing I have said makes this part of your life any easier, I just hope you find the best way for you and her to handle the days that might not be so good.

    • Thank you. I have grappled with it for some time now and know that there is only one way to deal with it. The same way you fall down a long hill.. .

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